Hi! I'm a cisgender bisexual (?) woman in my late twenties. I'm only out to a handful of close friends, and they all came out as teens, so they don't understand what it is to still be "in the closet" as an adult.
I want to know if it's normal to have second thoughts about your identity/sexuality/label. It took me a long time to realize I liked girls as well as boys (who i've always thought I "should like"). I don't have an "a-ha" moment, rather a collection of millions of "could I be bi?" moments stacked on top of each other until they finally hit "yes."
Sometimes I wonder if I'm into men at all (there's been one prior relationship: serious, but no sex). Sometimes I wonder if I really like girls, or if it's just that all my friends are gay (how am I supposed to really know, for sure, if I've never actually been with a woman?). Sometimes I wonder if I'm ace because I think I could definitely fall in love with anyone but sometimes I'm just not that into heavy make outs or sex. Am I fake?
I already feel a weird distance among my friends as the person who was "straight for the longest" and I don't want to be called a liar or be accused of coming out to fit in if I express these feelings (I know it's ridiculous, but it's a fear I have). I just need to know if these are normal feelings LGBT people experience. Help? Please? Thank you.
I can definitely say that your experience is not at all unusual, and in answer to your question 'Am I fake' - I would say No! All of us have a social interaction behaviour that varies between masking who we really are and exposing who we really are. Social situations demand that we fit in, and doing that is not fake, it is simply normal behaviour. Some people are more themselves than others, depending on circumstances. It's only fake if you are deliberately intending to deceive, and I can't see that you fit that.
Many, like your friends, know exactly who they are and what they want to label themselves. That's fine if it works for them. Others, are heavily influenced by the people around them and struggle to know who they are until the stress of masking causes us to question or even become ill! It is at that point that you probably are, and there is definitely help around for you.
So, first of all, 'Labels'. This comes up a lot in the Forums. My belief is that labels are descriptives for us to use, and not for us to be used by them. They are not binding and they are always up for review. You are in control and you decide what works for you. In addition, you can decide to not have a label! It is entirely up to you what you think describes you best, and if you find you are feeling differently over time, that is for you to decide and for you to say. I would say that what you seem to be expressing is a high level of desire to be honest, and that is no sign at all of 'Fake'. You clearly don't want to deceive, and people appreciate that.
Whether or not your friends can cope with you saying you have changed is not really in your control. But I should think that in telling them you have been questioning your sexuality, and feel you have changed, it kind of gives them permission to question and change their status too. You never know for sure that they also aren't grappling with such issues. I have been surprised so many times by friends, I am no longer surprised lol.
I think the most important step now is for you to properly work out who you are currently. Perhaps you would like to read the Outlife section on the subject if you haven't already.
There may be some clues there that will help you decide. For many of us, it's who do you think about when you are sexually stimulated and especially at orgasm. If that can vary then you may be bi or pan. For others it is about whoever they are with. It varies hugely.
It is always a good idea to chat to a live well trained and experience volunteer at the Switchboard. Confidential and anonymous. Phone 0300 300 0630 anytime between 10am and 10pm.
Let us know how you get on or anything more you want to chat about on here. Best wishes Simon.
I too question if I’m really gay. For me at least, I came to the conclusion that my feelings for other men are stronger than how I’ve felt about women. Sometimes I wonder if I’m mistaken but most of the time I “feel” gay.
I’d say it’s normal to question your identity but in the end it’s up to you to come to terms with your feelings.