Hi Noah, You are welcome with or without a full introduction.
Your situation sounds quite complicated but can assure you it isn’t unheard of. The human brain is extremely complex and varied.
I think all you can do at the present time is accept your experiences and feelings for what they are. You feel you always have been straight but now are enjoying getting sexual satisfaction from gay porn. You don’t want actual sex with men compared to women but you don’t think you are enjoying sex with women as much as you should.
In time you may find your interest in gay porn fades or it may lead you to wanting sex with men and seeing what it’s like. You may or may not enjoy it and may or may not want to continue down that path.
What ever develops with you, may lead you to feel the gay label fits or may not. That’s entirely up to you and nobody else’s business.
My concern is the anxiety this is causing you. I personally don’t think you have any thing to worry about. You are you. However, I wonder if you would consider talking to a health professional to put your mind at rest?
I can link you to one or two websites/pages in the morning but in the meantime I hope you can rest more assured. Best wishes. Simon
Thank you for taking the time and effort to reach out. I’m glad what I said made sense at all and I’m not the only one experiencing this. I know accepting my feelings for what they are without giving them too much thought would probably be the best thing to do, but that’s easier said than done. It feels like there’s a lot at stake and like my head is in overdrive. Still, it’s a great relief just getting it out there and your down-to-earth way of looking at this has definitely calmed me down a bit.
As for talking for a health profession, I don’t think I could talk to anyone about this. Crazy as it may sound, posting my thoughts on here was a pretty big step for me, and I don’t know if I could actually do that face to face, although perhaps online help would be an option if that’s a thing.
Thanks again for your insight. If you know of any helpful websites/pages in figuring this out, then of course that would be much appreciated as well.
Yes, you made perfect sense, no worries there, but you are also right in that the practicalities are your main concern and take time to work out. This is true for most people, to be honest. How much to be open how much to keep to yourself. Finding time alone to do what you want to do without upsetting anyone you may live with. All these things take time to figure out.
Regarding talking to a health professional, I think you will find that almost all is being done online these days due to the pandemic. Many will do Zoom or similar. Or if you don't want your face to be seen, then a phone chat also should be possible with any number of counsellors. The difficulty is the cost as most are private.
Always free is the Switchboard 0300 330 0630 between 10am and 10pm but you may have to be patient as they can be busy. Recorded messages will tell you what their situation is. It is run by an expert bunch of experienced volunteers but they are not necessarily health professionals.
A very good outfit is The Gay Man's Therapy. They are private but do run different levels of fees depending on income. You can email them initially but a first assessment requires a payment after which the assessor decides which therapist would help you best. www.gaymenstherapy.org.uk
What is Sexuality - If you haven't already seen this, I think it is helpful to a lot of people puzzling about their feelings. www.outlife.org.uk/what-is-sexuality Please explore the OutLife site - there are a lot of useful tips and guidance to be found.
As a practical thing may be you could privately write down lists to help you decide what you can do to improve your situation and therefore improve your anxiety? Hopefully, you no longer feel alone in what you are experiencing - now all you have to do is decide your practical steps forward. I always think there are no solutions, only decisions. All the best. Simon.