Not Ready for Commitment Nov 4, 2020 19:06:45 GMT
Post by badguymatty on Nov 4, 2020 19:06:45 GMT
I have been with my partner for about 8 months now. I say partner because we broke up after he was unfaithful and dishonest with me multiple times. We are working through it and I have forgiven him. We are taking things day by day to move forward. He ultimately has told me that he needs more time to work on himself, does not have the emotional capacity for a relationship at this time, and is not ready to give the level of commitment I am looking for. Having never been in an exclusive and committed relationship, he felt he needed time for some introspection and growth because of past traumas and so he could come back to the relationship when he was able to come correct. He also stated that by not defining the relationship at this time it would give him his freedom (he correlates being in a relationship as a loss of freedom which I have done my best to explain how that is just not true) and would allow room for less expectations, less hurt, and more organic growth between us. So I want to believe all of this is true and see him for the loving man that he is but there is a huge problem I am having a lot of trouble accepting. He is on Grindr, flirting and sexting other guys, facilitating hookups, and having flings where they text and talk on the phone. We both knew that the other was on Grindr since we have been broken up. I only made one because he was on there. I know that sounds dumb but the hurt and pain from what happened has left me wanting to fix things with him but he is not reciprocating fully. And since it seems as if he is having no troubles with curating new found relationships, whether they be casual or not, it has left me in a position where I feel like he does not value me because he is choosing casual sex and his false sense of freedom over having a relationship with me. So I am doing it because I feel almost hopeless with our situation and its sort of a way to help me move on and move forward. I want to take his word that he is still interested and is willing to work toward being together in that manner again, but am having difficulty finding truth in that statement because of his actions. The other day he left his phone unlocked on the bed open to Instagram and I made the mistake of picking it up and looking through it. I know that is a huge violation of his privacy and was wrong of me. I am fully aware that I overstepped his boundaries and an eye for an eye is not necessarily the best practice in this case. We have discussed it and I have apologized for the clear violation, and he understands the pain and fear that drove me to do that. However, the messages I saw between him and this other guy (whom he is clearly interested in) haunt me. They were very sexual and his words had absolutely no regard for our situation at all. It was as if this entire life he began to build with me didn't exist. I do not understand how working on yourself and wanting to be better for the sake of our relationship and rebuilding together needs to involve casual sex with other people. He told me he is not on Grindr with the intention of hooking up and if something were to happen he has no intentions of building any sort of relationship with anyone other than myself. But here he is talking to a guy in his text messages (so not just on Grindr anymore, they exchanged numbers), saying things like "I can't wait to spread you wide open" and sending good morning texts and the guy is calling him daddy. Every time I try to bring up the conversation of why he feels the need to continue to talk to, flirt, sext, and casually hook up with other guys, he reminds me that we are not in a relationship and that we already talked about why we can't be together at this time. And it hurts me because how does he not see that as extremely invalidating of me. I say things like I believe if you really meant the words you said to me then you wouldn't be hooking up with other people still. And he waters down the situation to me just being too emotional, or not respecting his wishes and claims I'm trying to control him. He used the classic "it's not you, it's me" line on me but all of his actions point to that not being true. I think it is actually me.. and not him, and he just said it the other way around to let me down easy. Am I being too emotional? Is it within reason for me to be asking these things based on what he has communicated to me or am I asking for too much? Is he being clear and concise with me and I am just missing something or is he sugar coating everything with no intention of actually building a life with me. Have I already tolerated too much and am now falling victim to an abusive relationship? I am so confused. I love him very much, all I want is to love him. I truly believe I am the best a boyfriend or husband could ever get! I care, I'm loyal, I'm honest, I'm real and forward and tell it like it is, I listen, I give guidance and support, I'm understanding and forgiving, I am not controlling (I never once questioned anything he said or did prior to me catching him lying to me. That is when I became suspicious and in his words, "controlling"), I cook and VERY GOOD at it, I clean up and am very organized/keep a nice home, I do the laundry, I am funny and have a great sense of humor, I am talented and make music, I am attractive, and I am very very very good at any and all sexual acts lol. It may sound selfish and rude but the other guys he chooses over me are not on or anywhere near my level. And I know we shouldn't compare ourselves to others but you know what I mean. I know for damn sure nobody out here is rubbing this mans feet, giving him massages, cooking for him, buying him gifts, truly loving him, and treating him like he is a King. That's a fact. So what gives? Please, any insight or advise or just shared experiences would help. Feeling so lost and confused and hopeless. Thanks.