Iv suffered with depression since I came out to myself 18 years ago. But over the past few years it’s changed. I hate myself, if I see myself in a mirror my thoughts just go dark I totally hate myself. A few years ago I started hearing noice around my house especially my loft I spent a fortune getting pest control out just to be told there was nothing there, the more stressed I got I started seeing things running through my house. I only realised it was in my head when I noticed it only happened when I was alone and feeling down. Iv reached the point I can’t even go to the supermarket or walk the street without feeling people are following me or judging me. The last year Iv be able to hide this because of lockdown and working from home. I have no one I can talk to that would understand. I just want to end it. I find it impossible to say it out loud so I tried emailing my doctor but didn’t even get a call back. Is there anyone out there that know what I going though?
Thanks for getting in touch and welcome to the OutLife forums. Sorry for the delay in getting back to you, we've been away for some time over the Christmas break.
I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such rough time with your mental health. You should always know that if you feel that you're in danger of hurting yourself, you can call 999 and ask for an ambulance. You can also call Samaritans anonymously on 116 123, and they will answer your call any time, 365 days a year.
Though I don't know exactly how you're feeling, I do know that suicidal thoughts are really tough to deal with because I've also been suicidal at times in my life. There have been points where I've felt like I can't cope and my mental state has felt overwhelming. But, and it's a big but, things have improved over recent years. Through a combination of therapy, medications, and other changes to my life my mental health is far better than it was. Things can, and do, get better.
If you've been experiencing depression for almost 20 years, then I'd definitely recommend trying to get some support. I know you've said you've already talked to your GP, but if you tell them how you've been feeling, they should offer you an emergency appointment. Even though the national health service is currently quite busy, they are still taking emergency mental health interventions seriously, and hopefully can offer some immediate and longer term support.
There are also other places you can go to find help, some of which I'll outline below. Only you know which of these is probably best for you, but there are lots of LGBTQ+ specific services out there that are offering mental health support online during the pandemic. Try some of these:
Switchboard is an LGBTQ+ helpline that has been running for over four decades. It's confidential, and staffed by queer volunteers who would be happy to talk to you, and possibly recommend some local services that can offer you support. Phone: 0300 330 0630 . Webchat switchboard.lgbt/. Email firstname.lastname@example.org.
London Friend is running an online Lockdown Support Group to keep people connected and talk about their experiences during lockdown. LF has been running services for queer people for decades and talking to other people might help you work through what you're feeling at the moment.
ELOP runs the largest LGBTQ+ counselling service in the country. It's currently running all of its sessions online, so it's super easy to access. As you've been experiencing chronic depression, therapy might be something worth considering. You don't mention whether you have any existing mental health diagnoses (and I'm not a doctor) but what I can say is that therapy works for a lot of people and is especially useful at helping us through times of hardship.
I know things are tough right now, but please know that there are lots of people out there who want to help, and care about your wellbeing, regardless of whether we've even met. If you want some more recommendations, or just want to chat, please post again, and also do keep us updated of how you get on.