Feel as though I'm at the end of the road. Apr 30, 2019 19:43:11 GMT
Post by caroline on Apr 30, 2019 19:43:11 GMT
Hi folks. I took the year out from college because I was failing, I couldn't keep up due to my poor mental health. I was happy to get time off so I could learn to cope with every day life but so far I've been at a standstill. It is really important to me and basically my dream to finish this degree. However I don't think I'll be prepared in time for September.
Where I'm at now, I'm doing well if I can get dressed and eat every day. I failed exams three semesters in a row, and I know myself I'm not ready to go back. Just thinking about having to deal with student grants and all the paper work gives me an anxiety attack. There's a lot I always wanted to achieve but realistically I don't think any of it is possible. I have barely any energy and I find it very hard to speak to people. There's no way I'd be able to wake up at 6AM every morning and go back to that complex academic environment, as well as work to pay my bills.
I've pretty much given up any hope that I could go on to finish my STEM degree. I've tried really hard several times to work through any mental health issues I've had (meds, therapy, CBT, mindfulness, exercise, self help books, you name it) and every time I end up in the same place. It's been months since I took a break from university and I'm still at square one.
I'm already enlisted in the local mental health service and I've seen several people there but so far they mostly just look at me that they don't know what to do with me. The last time I saw a psychiatrist they told me basically that I wasn't trying hard enough and I was being too passive. That really hurt me. There is some truth in it of course, honestly I've given up on any chance of me getting better. Even if I hadn't, I'm still finding the MH service hard to navigate and don't really get on well with the people working there.
I've been in a long term relationship that's usually incredible but recently has been troubling me. I think it's nearing the end but again I don't know as I'm not in the best head space at the moment and have been pushing everyone away.
I'm not looking for any advice in particular, I think I just needed a vent, but I'm just not sure where to go from here. I still haven't had any official diagnosis so I'm kind of in limbo, as I'm still not really sure what's wrong with me.... Thanks to anyone who reads