Post by johnj on May 1, 2019 9:17:26 GMT
Hi, I wonder if anyone else has experienced feelings like this and how they coped. I will need to start my story from childhood in order to give context so please bear with me – I’ll be as concise as possible.
I was sexually, physically and emotionally abused from the age of 7 and this went on for 11 years of my childhood. As time went on I learned how to hide the fear and hurt I was subjected to on a regular basis by a young man who my parents loved and trusted and just became a troublesome teenager. He married into my family which made access to me increasingly easier. I was diagnosed with a rare degenerative eye condition and told I would go blind as I got older which was a huge blow for both me and my family but it also made it easier for the perpetrator to ‘look after’ me more when my parents were working. Just another thing that has made me feel really angry and bitter.
In my late teens I managed to get away from the situation. In my early 20s I had a succession of girlfriends and became a father at 21 and subsequently got married. We went on and had another child and I was faithful to my wife and loved her dearly for 14 years until I discovered she was having an affair with my best friend. The marriage ended bitterly and I brought my children up by myself. My children are now grown up and have not had contact with their mother for many years. This is, of course, their choice.
I met another lady 2 years down the line and we ended up living together and after 7 years got married. I loved her to the moon and back and probably smothered her with more affection than she could handle. I became a step-dad to her child and everything was going so well until I had some major deterioration with my sight loss and became depressed. She left me after having an affair with a work colleague and I have not seen her for 3 years. I am now registered blind with a very low %age of vision.
This is where my story starts to become more complicated!
Late last year I met a young guy in his mid-20s whom I got on really well with and increasingly found myself wanting to be in his company. He felt the same about me and a bond between us developed, along with a relationship. I never knew I could have feelings like this for another male and I experienced difficulties processing what was happening to me because from my childhood I’d felt that a relationship between two males was an aggressive physical act. However, I found myself falling completely in love with the person who seemed so genuine and gentle.
My feelings were so strong, I told both my children and best friends as I could not hide the feelings I had and they were all pleased I’d found some happiness in my life, whatever form that took. Unfortunately after a few months of being so happy, and pledging his undying love for me, he decided he was not ready for a committed relationship, sent me a text message and I have not seen or heard from him since. I don’t think that tt was not the fact that he was a guy that I fell in love with him, it was just who he was that I fell in love with if that makes sense. (or at least who I thought he was).
I’ve been devastated ever since as I feel I’ve been introduced to a world I’ve never lived in and the one gay person I knew has abandoned me. I feel so lost, alone and with no direction or purpose. I thought that maybe this was what’s been missing from my life and I hadn’t realised so I tried a couple of dating sites. I met with a couple of guys who just wanted sex but the thought disgusted me as I didn’t feel the close bond I’d felt with guy I fell in love with. It was not what I expected as I only met for a drink and chat. In hindsight I was probably being very naïve in a whole new world to me.
I have no gay friends/connections other than the guy I fell in love with and just don’t know how to move forward. I cannot sleep properly at night so I’m struggling to function at work and in other areas of my life.
I have a circle of straight friends but thought if I had a circle of gay male friends it may help me to discover myself and learn more about that side of life. I want to give myself the best opportunity to meet new people and discover more as I’m so conflicted about my sexuality and what to do.
With little vision and all what’s happened going around in my head, I have got to a point where I hate my life so much I have contemplated ending it. My Doctor is aware and prescribed anti-depressants that also aid sleeping. I recognise that this is not a healthy state of mind so trying to seek help from anywhere and anyone that can offer support or guidance. I don’t know who or what I am anymore and I am at my wits end not knowing which way to turn.
Can anyone help?