So I just want to say a big thanks to everyone for your support. I took your advice and spoke to LGBT Youth Scotland. They were amazing and even put me in contact with some support systems. I've had a couple of bumpy months but I feel like my life is back on track and heading in the right direction. There's a long way to go but I'm getting there.
Hello Matth, I was wondering if using this forum for example has perhaps helped you out. I think considering ending your life is quite a powerful feeling. In the sense that is the sort of thought that comes to your head when you are hurting so much. Writing I think it is a helpful tool. Thoughts will continue but whenever you put them on paper or online the thought is out and I wonder how does it feel to see it in the paper or on the screen?
I am a mature gay guy. I write as a hobby and realise the possibilities are almost endless I would say. And since in today's world we struggle to find a listening ear since it is hard to be referred to counselling or sometimes when we ache we do not even want to hear the sound of your own voice sometimes. Here what we can say is be patient...soon some friendships will form and with this writing habits is almost like you are your own pen pal...it is not writing to recite necessarily or even to aim to publish but it is kind of a conversation, an extension of what you think...The thought is out...coherent or not...logical or perhaps not...your feeling is there...and even if the tears fill your eyes your hand will feel you went somewhere when looking at and describe...looking at it and expressing it...But equally any suggestions from administrator you can also try out if it suits you...at your own pace and following your feeling of course...Take good care and come back here as often as you need to.
I think people underestmate the power just typing what we are going through on a screen for others to read can have. I means as soon as I wrote it and hit post I felt amazing. I didn't really need people to reply. Just syaing it out loud or tying it was life changing. Sometimes it's not advice we need, it's just a platform to talk about our issues. This is why I like this forum. It allows me to release.
Not to challenge in excess what you feel or think...Some idea that comes to my head is how sometimes we mix the feelings of frustration with some urges to be 'aggressive'...'aggressive' I am thinking of it as a wide term...But if you think about it that frustration we might so deeply feel sometimes it is no surprise to turn it to ourselves because this society does not let us be 'aggressive' towards others...Sometimes we are not able to see how unique we are and how much respect and care we owe to ourselves...It would be 'easy' to reach the conclusion: This subject of mine which is providing me with such pain...If I just manage to' kill it', it will be all over but what we are and what we think could be just all that we are going to experience in this universe...it is tough and not well thought if we aim to hurt the very basis of what we are.
We are bodies connected to a brain, no? We operate in society and sometimes these social issues make us feel like we don't fit and we will never fit...This feelings of: Oh my god I am such a failure do not go away with age...But also the feelings that you can in a way put a final stop to our experience...why?...Being here on this earth can be extremely painful sometimes...we can feel so lonely, inadequate, unattractive but even if all the mental messages inside are bad...we are here and this is our experience...it is unsure what we will experience in the future but we can begin to establish some building blocks for that future...sure we have talent to learn a little bit, to try to accept a little bit, to try to look inside of us a little bit...is it not normal to feel all melancholic, painful sometimes? Is it not a sign that we might be reacting to something after all? Maybe we did not want to be like rest? Really, I could go on and I can see that the ideas that really matters are your very own really but we are also in a system of constant influence of each other...Do we have feelings of 'violence'? Yes...Is it easy to target ourselves with that animosity? I think so...But once we felt the big storm inside...can we just pause? Not to think necessarily of something that we can accept in an easier way (and tell others) but for the sake of pause...storm builds up...explodes...hard rain follows and after...quiet silence...the big energy has been released and is out...Is that perhaps the nature of our feeling cycle? What sort of storm do we want for us? actually destructive and harmful or just loud and expressive?