I saw the post on Facebook about this is a place for people to come to talk with other LGBT people about issues and sh!t.
My name is Jim and I'm a 34 year old ex army bi man who has PTSD. A couple of weeks ago I tried to end it all. I got seriously drunk on a Friday evening and I felt it was my time to die. Obviously I was unsuccessful but the feeling of wanting to die has not gone away.
What has me feeling this way? I don't really know. I'm not out. Nobody knows I'm bisexual. I have a girlfriend and she doesn't know either. Last month she suggested we try and have kids. I want children but I feel like I'm not ready. I feel like if I'm going to do this whole kids thing I need to commit to being heterosexual and stop f*cking around with dudes behind her back. When she said she wanted kids it hit me and I went into a downward spiral. I feel like I'm a fraud and would never be accepted as a bi man who learns towards women but like the c*ck.
I don't know why I posted this but this is my first time to say/type this out loud. I don't know if I need help or if anyone can help. But I just wanted to finally sat this out loud.
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I'm Justin, a member of the OutLife support team.
I'm so sorry that you're feeling so distressed. In the past I've also been suicidal so whilst I don't know exactly how you feel, I can definitely relate. It was a very dark time for me, and also related to past trauma, but things did eventually get better. It's super hard to see the hope in your situation at the time, but my story isn't unique - most people struggling with thoughts of ending their own life find a better, happier way forward.
Firstly, because you've mentioned you've tried to take your own life, please take note of the following numbers to call if you feel that way again:
- Samaritans: 116 123, available to listen and talk, non-judgementally about anything you want. You don't need to be suicidal to call. Open 24/7, 365 days a year. - Emergency Services: 999, in the case of a medical emergency, or if you fear for your own well-being or safety, call and ask for an ambulance.
If you'd prefer to speak to someone who is LGBTQ+, then try Switchboard. It's run by LGBTQ+ volunteers and is an amazing service. You can call them on 0300 330 0630 or speak via their their webchat service: switchboard.lgbt/
Next I'm going to link to some resources and organisations that I think could help. I'm so glad that saying you're bisexual for the first time felt liberating. Maybe exploring that identity with others (not necessarily in a sexual way, but in terms of fellowship and empathy) could help you feel more at ease with who you are? Your experience is actually quite common within the bi community, especially in terms of the struggle with identity and feelings of being a fraud. Speaking to other bi people could make you feel less isolated. I know that meeting other gay people definitely helped when I was still coming to terms with my own sexuality.
Anyway, here are a few things that are definitely worth a look:
- Biscuit has a great listings page of bisexual groups throughout the UK. Contacting one of these places and, if / when you feel you're ready, going to talk to them could be an idea. www.thisisbiscuit.co.uk/5175-2/
- As for coming out, this is obviously a very personal choice which only you can make. For some people it's the best decision, other people maybe not. Try reading this resource and seeing what you think. It's a coming out guide aimed at bisexual people but it's not trying to pressure you into anything: www.hrc.org/resources/resource-guide-to-coming-out-as-bisexual
- You might also find that a therapist could be useful in your situation. They could help you find ways to manage your PTSD, talk about your relationship with your sexuality, and generally give you a place to emotionally unload. Attached is the OutLife guide to finding a therapist. As with all healthcare anything you talked about with them would be confidential. www.outlife.org.uk/accessing-mental-healthcare
- Whether you live in a remote area or not, you might want to try video counselling. LGBTQ+ charity London Friend is currently offering totally free LGBTQ+ video counselling. It can be conducted anywhere you like, is cost-free, and could be really beneficial to you. www.bit.ly/ldnfriend
I really hope you find some of the above useful. You're in a difficult stage of your journey but I'd urge to try and remember that you're never alone, and that there's a huge community of people out there with similar experiences. Respond to this post whenever and let us know how you're getting along, and if you have any questions, just shout
Thank you, Justin. I think the advice you gave is just what I need but I don't think I'm in a place to take that step yet. Maybe video counselling could work for me. I'll look into it.
I hope to get to a point where I can be myself and have everything I want and offer my girlfriend everything that she needs. It probably takes time but I know I need to do something to stop hitting rock bottom again.
Post by kirhymeswithpie on Aug 1, 2019 13:49:46 GMT
First of all, well done! You've reached out!! That is a big first step, and so is saying "I am bisexual" for the first time.
I second all the resources which Justin suggested, they are all great resources.
I would also suggest exploring, maybe with a therapist, the possibility of coming out to others, whether it is to friends, family, or your girlfriend. It is not possible for one person to be everything to one person. Society may make it seem like everyone in a coupley couple happy family with kids are happy and fulfilled and content, but that is rarely the truth. We all need people to whom we can be authentic with, and even if it's just being able to say "i am bisexual" to someone, it is still validating for that to be acknowledged and appreciated. There are far more bisexuals out there than is widely known, and many in seemingly heterosexual couplings. Many end up in open relationships or other polyamorous arrangements and 'committing to heterosexuality' isn't always the solution if you do enjoy and crave sex with men.
Think of sexuality as a favourite colour. Imagine sitting in a room painted in your favourite colour(s) and how happy that makes you feel. Now imagine being told you aren't allowed that as your favourite colour. Imagine being given a different colour and you have to pretend, for the rest of your life, to everyone, that that is your favourite colour. If you don't, you will lose something/someone important to you. So you do as you're told. You buy stationary in the pretend favourite colour. You paint walls in your home that colour. You even get bed linen and curtains and a car in that colour. What is your favourite colour now? Really? What is your authentic self's favourite colour? Now replace 'favourite colour' with 'sexual preference'.
That's great advice, Ki. It's been a month since I posted this and I've been on a journey, ups and downs but I'm getting there. I think just saying 'I am bisexual' to someone out loud will be a relief. I think I'll get there. But I think I just need some more time to get used to the idea. Dows that makes sense?
Hello Jim, I just felt like writing something in response to your posting. I myself happen to be a gay man. I only have intimate contact with other men therefore. I think it is a good idea that you approach forums like this one. I think that perhaps we place too much emphasis on labels such as 'gay' 'bisexual' 'heterosexual'...We are on this earth and we are people with desires...I think in essence having desires is not at all bad...it makes us connected to other individuals...OK so you have a woman in your life and also some prospects for a family...Nothing is perfect but do those prospects resonate with you in a way in which you could be more or less happy for the future? I think taking into account that the army left you with PTSD one key element for your well being is how you organise your support. Sounds like you have been at the core of dynamics where a 'man needs to be a man' in order to cope with the demands of the Army I presume...And you keep that discipline for you...Nobody has a 'user's manual' to face the challenges of life and completely predict what is going to happen in every stage. Whatever the case if you are with your girlfriend or if you are with men 'on the side', I think you can tell whenever you do it out of a good heart...None of the two is bad in itself...Maybe you decide to focus more so on her for the future...Maybe sometimes you slip with casual encounters with men...In none of those two outcomes you are necessarily abusing yourself or abusing others per se...We kind of can tell it will be like this for a while, anything wrong with it? I think integrating that mental health support will allow you to make choices which work better for you...You kind of begin to know now the outcomes and what kind of works better in the longer term...Writing about it certainly will allow you to see it more clearly as the thoughts will be on paper/ screen so you can deal with them as thoughts...Just be careful if you decide to keep a notebook with your intimate thoughts so to keep it safe enough or continue to return here in the forums and we try to think together with our responses. Keep us up to date if you feel you need to. All the best in the meantime.
Thanks for checking in. I'm fine. In a good place at the moment. I have recently come out as bisexual to a few people who I felt I could trust. The world didn't end and everyone seems ok with it. I entered counselling a couple of months ago. Because I suffer from PTSD my process was sped up and I was seen quickly. The counsellor has helped me find myself and be at peace with who I am. I'm still at the beginning of this journey but I think I'll be fine.
Thanks for providing a place to rant and for the support after. I don't think you know how great it was to have a place like this where I could just let it all out. I think it helped me very much that night I was low.