Am in my forties, from a very early age, I knew there was something a little different about me, I have never felt I have fitted in with females even though my body clearly shows I am.
When I was younger, I was always playing the male roles in any games of family that were played with friends (if that makes sense). In my twenties, I started having sexual relationships with women, I've even been civil partnered and married to women but have always felt that something is missing and although I am happy with the person I am, I just don't feel right in the body I am in.
My life like lots of others, hasn't be straight forward and easy. I have had to deal with lots of different things and changes within my life but now the feelings that I am not in the right body which I have had as long as I can remember are getting more and more permanent in my thoughts. How I feel about my body doesn't correspond with what I see in the mirror which makes me not want to look in the mirror and I only have one small mirror in my bathroom.
Deep down I know I want to be male and I know that its better for a more contented life to be who I honestly am, I just don't know if I have the emotional and mental energy to go through this as it is such a big change.
My head is so full of thoughts about it I just don't know what to do about it.
Thank you so much for your post. I'm Justin, a member of the OutLife support team.
It sounds like you've taken a long while to consider how you feel. I'm cis, so don't have any direct experience that mirrors your own, but I do know what it's like to feel different from a young age. I'm relatively feminine gay man, so also didn't really fit the mould of my parents' or peers' expectations as a kid. However, things really improved once I came out and began to process my feelings about my sexuality and how I presented myself to other people. This happens to people at all stages of life, and there are plenty of people in their 30's, 40's and 50's who are still discovering who they are and what they want.
It must have taken courage to reach out, so well done. You are not alone in this, and there are people out there who can help you on this journey. Below I'm going to link you to a few resources and organisations that I think could help support you. Also, I'm sure some of the lovely members of this forum will chime in with their own thoughts
- If you'd like to talk to someone, I'd recommend talking to Switchboard, the LGBTQ+ helpline. It's staffed by LGBTQ+ volunteers who will listen to you and might be able to point you in the right direction of support. Talking it through with someone who you don't know, and is non-judgemental, might also help you process your own thoughts: tel -0300 330 0630, webchat switchboard.lgbt/, email - firstname.lastname@example.org
- Or, if you'd rather speak to a trans-specific helpline, then try calling Mindline Trans+. It's open from 8pm-midnight Mon-Fri 0300 330 5468
- ELOP and London Friend, two UK-based LGBTQ+ charities are offering online counselling sessions for free right now. The courses are 6 sessions long, but talking to an LGBTQ+ trained professional could be a really helpful experience for you. You can apply to talk to someone here www.outlife.org.uk/lgbtq-peer-support-and-counselling
- I'd also recommend looking for local organisations where you can get support. You don't mention where you live, but lots of cities (London, Manchester, Birmingham etc) have LGBTQ+ charities that are equipped to provide support for trans people. There you might be able to see someone 1-2-1 or head to a drop-in or support group.
I hope you find some of the above helpful. If you've got any more questions then please feel free to post again, and we welcome updates on how you're getting along!